Hey there, remember me? Probably not. Probably because it’s been close to a year since I soft-launched Soul Reason. Then, I went silent and I’ve felt anguish about that every day. Literally—yes, I mean literally—hundreds of times, I’ve thought about the blog article I’d write to jump back in, and I couldn’t find a topic I was satisfied with. So I figure I’ll just start with the truth.
Do you want the abbreviated version? There are a few things I’ve learned over the last nine months:
1.) Soft-launching your business will not make your past-due baby come any faster.
2.) Motherhood is no joke. See also: Being a stay-at-home mother is no joke.
3.) Having a baby who only naps for 35 minutes three times a day makes it impossible to dive into deep work.
4.) It’s a whole lot easier to organize your house, redecorate, do chores and dream about a business than it is to actually get that business off the ground.
5.) If there’s something that won’t leave your brain alone, it’s worth pursuing and pursuing now.
Now, I’m a writer, so I like details. I also enjoy “real.” So here it all is, in its own, messy little story.
Blissful ignorance made me believe that if I launched a dream that would require all my time and effort, irony would make our baby girl show up without an induction. Then, I would work during the seven hours of naps newborns take daily. LOL. I’ll save you an even longer story and tell you this is not what happened.
After baby girl arrived, time turned into a vortex as I tried to juggle the new identity of motherhood, my consulting side-hustle, and turning Soul Reason into something worthwhile. Trust me, being a mother is the best role I’ve ever had. My heart has broken wide open with all the love I feel for my daughter. I had heard about this storied love, that parents have for their children. It’s real.
But. No one tells you about the possibility of extended cluster-feeding (i.e. when your baby nurses every 20 minutes, all day long, for eight straight weeks). Or about the fact that nesting doesn’t just vanish after your baby is out of you (i.e. you just freaking want your house to have visual order because nothing else in your life does). Or the weird and isolating depression that sets in, leaving your mind to dream about all the things you should be doing with your time, but your body to feel too exhausted to accomplish any of them.
My husband observed my anxiety in all of this. Aside from being an incredible partner in my journey and a wonderful father to our baby, he gently led me to the conclusion that it was okay to devote my time to my baby and attend to Soul Reason later on.
Three (and Four, Really)
Therefore, for the last eight months, I’ve tasked myself with things that can be completed in less than a half hour instead. If anyone tells you their baby younger than six months has a regimented daily schedule that includes two naps each longer than an hour, they’ve either won the schedule lottery, or their child is in daycare (God BLESS those that care for our children for a living). I digress.
In just trying to keep my household afloat, these little tasks soon became a routine, because I knew I could depend on getting them done. They could be stacked consecutively, and they brought me certainty in a reality where nothing else was stable. The satisfaction in finishing all these small items was enough to keep me decently grounded, but not enough to stop the thought of my business from creeping in. Every. Single. Day.
I finally realized that all this unrest occurred because I was wrestling with a disconnect. For my entire life, I had ultimately aspired to be a stay-at-home mother. End there. Even uninformed, I knew it would be a huge, all-consuming responsibility, especially in the beginning. And there was nothing more satisfying to me than the idea of bringing a wee person into the world and devoting all my time to raising that person to be a contributing member of humankind.
Except that this has happened, and I haven’t been able to get away from the nagging feeling that I’ve tucked away a very important part of me. I realized that raising someone else to change in the world was only a piece of the equation. I need to be making an active difference, too.
So now, here I am, trying to find equilibrium between being fully present for my daughter while simultaneously solidifying my own goals. Thank you for caring enough to read this. I told you when I started all this that I wanted to take you on this journey with me, because you are my motivation and my inspiration.
I can’t promise my headway will be consistent. I can’t promise my communication will be predictable. I can’t promise a picture perfect story.
But what I can promise you is that it will be real. And eventually, Soul Reason will BE.